In Theory this is Easy...

I’ve been to about a dozen therapists since I was little… it was the same process every time: come in, sit down, be asked some questions, be told it’s not that bad, be told what to do… repeat as necessary.  They all made it seem like life is so easy and I was just getting it wrong… If I’d only do what they were telling me to do it would all be alright…

But that’s not how this works… Life is hard… I’m twenty-six years old and I’m trying to unpack/analyze/dissect my problems… consider where I went wrong… consider why these things have happened to me… consider why I have these issues… come to some sort of conclusion… fix something.  But it’s not actually as easy as they always told me it was… I can’t just list out all of my problems and solve them one by one… Believe me… I’ve tried.

So let’s start with a basic one… something that in “theory” will be easier: I have a food-based germ phobia.  Under most circumstances I cannot eat or drink something after someone else has consumed from it… the thought of it freaks me out.  I don’t know why this is or when it started.  I’ve tried to pinpoint an exact moment but I can’t… It was just there one day.  And it is only food based… everything else… I’m fine.

If I’m totally comfortable with a person I can sometimes eat from the same plate or drink from the same glass as them.  I guess this ties to my trust issues somehow… I “trust” that they don’t have germs?  That can’t be it… it makes no sense… I want to say I don’t think about it but I’ve forced myself on occasion to just do it… take that bite, take that sip… and that involves conscious thought on my end.  Sometimes though… yeah… I guess I don’t think about it.  I’m so comfortable… my mind relaxes… I let it go…

Those times that I force myself though… Am I trying to force myself to be “normal”?  Is that right?  Is that even okay?  And why is it that I don’t freak out after?  But other times I totally will…

Could this just be a compulsive behavior?  Something I do as a subconscious reaction to something… Shit.  Yeah, I think this makes sense… I become nervous… but I don’t say anything… I feel as if I can’t… I am usually around people that I don’t feel 100% comfortable talking around… so the nervousness builds… my mind translates that onto something else: germs.

So this is… This is a behavior?

These Walls Can Build a Castle

This kingdom has a moat… with many crocodiles revolving through its waters… predators lying in wait for their prey.  There is a way across… a draw bridge… hardly lowered.  This stone fortress holds secrets that must be protected… Its towers contain well trained archers… its gateway is prepared to crush the most unsuspecting of men.  This is a place that most dare not try to enter… the risk (seemingly) outweighs the reward… you do not get gold at the end of this journey… you just get… me.

I’m not perfect, by any means.  In fact, I consider myself to be a greatly flawed individual.  That’s part of what makes me human, though… having flaws.  And admitting to them is what makes me decent.

I don’t find trusting people to be easy.  In fact, I try to avoid it… this is a behavior that I have learned after years of being lied to… years of being let down… disappointed…  This is a pattern that repeats itself… it is rarely broken because most people are the same… Most people are sheep.  My saying this might seem unfair… I do not know everyone… but this isn’t something that I have no evidence for… this is twenty-six years of the same record playing… the same songs being sung… the same tracks skipping…

At the same time there are certain people that I am immediately and strongly drawn to… it’s something that I don’t understand… it’s something that confuses me and scares me because I am so open with these people… and that is so very contrary to who I usually am.  This is not a symphony that everyone is meant to hear… but these people that I find myself strongly drawn to not only hear the music… they listen to every detail… every part… and I let them.

I’m afraid of ending out heartbroken from letting the wrong person in… coming to rely on someone and then finding that they are no longer there… and then I’m wrecked… and all alone.  I don’t know how to deal with that.  How do I make myself vulnerable but still protect myself?  Is that even possible?  I’m afraid it’s not… but, at the same time, I’m afraid I have no choice but to make myself vulnerable and then be wrecked… become a shattered record.  Perhaps it is time that I learn to pick up the pieces…