Partial Introspection on Past Errors and Future Corrections

I use the saying “you can’t choose your family” like it’s a broken record… but I keep playing it anyways because it’s true… I never got to choose my parents or my brother or my aunts or uncles… I was just born into this mess of a life.  The sympathy that I get from people when they hear minor details about my family is unwanted… I don’t want you to feel bad for me.  There’s nothing to feel bad about.  This stuff?  It’s already happened… an apology isn’t going to fix it… sympathy isn’t going to fix it… it just is what it is.  I live with it every day and I’m finally starting to be fine with it… so you should be, too.  At this moment in time I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve finally gotten to choose my family.  My friends are my family… so stop feeling bad.

This has been my first semester in Graduate School: a whirlwind of self-discovery and personal missteps and life lessons I thought I’d already learned.  Somewhere in there I lost my way.  I stepped away from everything that I had built up and decided to try to be a new me… it was a mistake I shouldn’t have made.  Instead of playing everything “close to the vest” I opened up too much to people… so much that I may never recover the privacy fence I usually employ.  I stressed myself out to the point that my brain split off and hyper-focused on something I wish it never had… but it’s too late to turn that clock back… the damage has already been done… any attempt at repairs would be a waste… it’d be futile.

My patience was tested… and it bit me in the ass.  I repeatedly gave second chances to someone I now know was undeserving… who was continually and horrifically homophobic (towards me/about others) on many occasions.  The final straw was when it was implied that I can be cured… as if I have an affliction.  This idea that there is something wrong with me is something I’ve been dealing with it feels like all my life… but it’s because of people like him… and my mother… and my other family members… that I feel this way.  They’ve engrained it in my head that I’m flawed… I’m broken… I’m worthless… They’ve engrained self-hate into my way of thinking.  I hear their voices echoing these words in my head over and over and I just hate myself… I hate myself so much I can’t stand it.  But there’s nothing wrong with me… there never has been… and I need to start accepting that instead of doubting it.

I’ve been trying to remember that moment when everything changed… When I went from being the kid that I was to what I am now… I’m specifically referring to my germ phobia and anxiety and OCD but there are other things too… and all of these things were just there one day in full force and I’m not sure when it is exactly that happened.  I’m not even really sure if I can move on from it or if I’m just going to have to learn to live with it in the same way I live with the fact that my family is shitty… I'm just not sure what to do.

These Walls Can Build a Castle

This kingdom has a moat… with many crocodiles revolving through its waters… predators lying in wait for their prey.  There is a way across… a draw bridge… hardly lowered.  This stone fortress holds secrets that must be protected… Its towers contain well trained archers… its gateway is prepared to crush the most unsuspecting of men.  This is a place that most dare not try to enter… the risk (seemingly) outweighs the reward… you do not get gold at the end of this journey… you just get… me.

I’m not perfect, by any means.  In fact, I consider myself to be a greatly flawed individual.  That’s part of what makes me human, though… having flaws.  And admitting to them is what makes me decent.

I don’t find trusting people to be easy.  In fact, I try to avoid it… this is a behavior that I have learned after years of being lied to… years of being let down… disappointed…  This is a pattern that repeats itself… it is rarely broken because most people are the same… Most people are sheep.  My saying this might seem unfair… I do not know everyone… but this isn’t something that I have no evidence for… this is twenty-six years of the same record playing… the same songs being sung… the same tracks skipping…

At the same time there are certain people that I am immediately and strongly drawn to… it’s something that I don’t understand… it’s something that confuses me and scares me because I am so open with these people… and that is so very contrary to who I usually am.  This is not a symphony that everyone is meant to hear… but these people that I find myself strongly drawn to not only hear the music… they listen to every detail… every part… and I let them.

I’m afraid of ending out heartbroken from letting the wrong person in… coming to rely on someone and then finding that they are no longer there… and then I’m wrecked… and all alone.  I don’t know how to deal with that.  How do I make myself vulnerable but still protect myself?  Is that even possible?  I’m afraid it’s not… but, at the same time, I’m afraid I have no choice but to make myself vulnerable and then be wrecked… become a shattered record.  Perhaps it is time that I learn to pick up the pieces…