Postcards with Hidden Meanings

Feet above this stratospheric cloud
I will take a walk above your eastern harbor town
A chance for peace and you and me in sight
An offering to heal a wound and make it all seem easier tonight

I can't tell which way to go
You might as well be on your own
You take me high And bring me low
I miss you more than you could ever know

Just above the rooftop where I live
I wish you were below my feet, filling my room in
Taking breathes, exhaling into me
Blonde hair running through my hands and pale white skin sweating on my sheets

I was never one for holding onto anything
I bet I can't hold onto too long, I may just weigh you down
I am far beyond where I thought I would be,
Far below and Far from home

Far beyond where I thought I would be
The mystery inside her eyes is still haunting me
I want to find a postcard and tell her what I've found
I want to say I love you, but I am not sure
I even know how

Partial Introspection on Past Errors and Future Corrections

I use the saying “you can’t choose your family” like it’s a broken record… but I keep playing it anyways because it’s true… I never got to choose my parents or my brother or my aunts or uncles… I was just born into this mess of a life.  The sympathy that I get from people when they hear minor details about my family is unwanted… I don’t want you to feel bad for me.  There’s nothing to feel bad about.  This stuff?  It’s already happened… an apology isn’t going to fix it… sympathy isn’t going to fix it… it just is what it is.  I live with it every day and I’m finally starting to be fine with it… so you should be, too.  At this moment in time I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve finally gotten to choose my family.  My friends are my family… so stop feeling bad.

This has been my first semester in Graduate School: a whirlwind of self-discovery and personal missteps and life lessons I thought I’d already learned.  Somewhere in there I lost my way.  I stepped away from everything that I had built up and decided to try to be a new me… it was a mistake I shouldn’t have made.  Instead of playing everything “close to the vest” I opened up too much to people… so much that I may never recover the privacy fence I usually employ.  I stressed myself out to the point that my brain split off and hyper-focused on something I wish it never had… but it’s too late to turn that clock back… the damage has already been done… any attempt at repairs would be a waste… it’d be futile.

My patience was tested… and it bit me in the ass.  I repeatedly gave second chances to someone I now know was undeserving… who was continually and horrifically homophobic (towards me/about others) on many occasions.  The final straw was when it was implied that I can be cured… as if I have an affliction.  This idea that there is something wrong with me is something I’ve been dealing with it feels like all my life… but it’s because of people like him… and my mother… and my other family members… that I feel this way.  They’ve engrained it in my head that I’m flawed… I’m broken… I’m worthless… They’ve engrained self-hate into my way of thinking.  I hear their voices echoing these words in my head over and over and I just hate myself… I hate myself so much I can’t stand it.  But there’s nothing wrong with me… there never has been… and I need to start accepting that instead of doubting it.

I’ve been trying to remember that moment when everything changed… When I went from being the kid that I was to what I am now… I’m specifically referring to my germ phobia and anxiety and OCD but there are other things too… and all of these things were just there one day in full force and I’m not sure when it is exactly that happened.  I’m not even really sure if I can move on from it or if I’m just going to have to learn to live with it in the same way I live with the fact that my family is shitty… I'm just not sure what to do.

Pablo Neruda's Sonnet XVII (English Translation)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.       

Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

Evening the Odds (equal equations)

I may not be religious but there is one Bible verse that I’ve always kind of enjoyed… Most of us are taught one form or another of it as a child.  Luke 6:31, which reads something like: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  This extends into many areas of my life… and I take it seriously at every turn…

I am honest, occasionally to a fault, because I expect honesty of other people… and how am I to expect something of other’s that I am not willing to give myself?  At the same time, I am not totally naïve… I realize that not many people actually share my belief and will lie to me even if I am honest with them… Does this mean that I should forsake my own “vow of honesty” simply because others choose not to be honest?  I feel not.

I don’t consider myself to be better than anyone… I try really hard to make sure no one feels inferior when around me (because of me)… and, generally, feel really terrible if I find out that I accidentally made them feel that way… I prefer to think of myself as having more of an equal footing with those around me… I am no better.  I am no worse.  Again, I am not naïve… I realize that not everyone else shares this view… but I don’t speak up if I feel someone is tearing someone else down… Why?  Partly because I rationalize that it is not my place to do so… partly because I often worry that I am being over sensitive…

Some other things… I try to avoid throwing punches… causing physical altercations… fisticuffs, if you will… because I do not think violence is actually the answer to anything.  I also avoid screaming at people… even when I am extremely angry… first, because I do not like the way that I feel when I scream… and second, because I do not like scaring other people… or making them cry… and these are both things that happen when I scream at people.

I feel that all of these things are reasonable and are part of what makes me a decent human being… they are my “good” that outweighs the “bad,” in a sense…

In Theory this is Easy...

I’ve been to about a dozen therapists since I was little… it was the same process every time: come in, sit down, be asked some questions, be told it’s not that bad, be told what to do… repeat as necessary.  They all made it seem like life is so easy and I was just getting it wrong… If I’d only do what they were telling me to do it would all be alright…

But that’s not how this works… Life is hard… I’m twenty-six years old and I’m trying to unpack/analyze/dissect my problems… consider where I went wrong… consider why these things have happened to me… consider why I have these issues… come to some sort of conclusion… fix something.  But it’s not actually as easy as they always told me it was… I can’t just list out all of my problems and solve them one by one… Believe me… I’ve tried.

So let’s start with a basic one… something that in “theory” will be easier: I have a food-based germ phobia.  Under most circumstances I cannot eat or drink something after someone else has consumed from it… the thought of it freaks me out.  I don’t know why this is or when it started.  I’ve tried to pinpoint an exact moment but I can’t… It was just there one day.  And it is only food based… everything else… I’m fine.

If I’m totally comfortable with a person I can sometimes eat from the same plate or drink from the same glass as them.  I guess this ties to my trust issues somehow… I “trust” that they don’t have germs?  That can’t be it… it makes no sense… I want to say I don’t think about it but I’ve forced myself on occasion to just do it… take that bite, take that sip… and that involves conscious thought on my end.  Sometimes though… yeah… I guess I don’t think about it.  I’m so comfortable… my mind relaxes… I let it go…

Those times that I force myself though… Am I trying to force myself to be “normal”?  Is that right?  Is that even okay?  And why is it that I don’t freak out after?  But other times I totally will…

Could this just be a compulsive behavior?  Something I do as a subconscious reaction to something… Shit.  Yeah, I think this makes sense… I become nervous… but I don’t say anything… I feel as if I can’t… I am usually around people that I don’t feel 100% comfortable talking around… so the nervousness builds… my mind translates that onto something else: germs.

So this is… This is a behavior?

These Walls Can Build a Castle

This kingdom has a moat… with many crocodiles revolving through its waters… predators lying in wait for their prey.  There is a way across… a draw bridge… hardly lowered.  This stone fortress holds secrets that must be protected… Its towers contain well trained archers… its gateway is prepared to crush the most unsuspecting of men.  This is a place that most dare not try to enter… the risk (seemingly) outweighs the reward… you do not get gold at the end of this journey… you just get… me.

I’m not perfect, by any means.  In fact, I consider myself to be a greatly flawed individual.  That’s part of what makes me human, though… having flaws.  And admitting to them is what makes me decent.

I don’t find trusting people to be easy.  In fact, I try to avoid it… this is a behavior that I have learned after years of being lied to… years of being let down… disappointed…  This is a pattern that repeats itself… it is rarely broken because most people are the same… Most people are sheep.  My saying this might seem unfair… I do not know everyone… but this isn’t something that I have no evidence for… this is twenty-six years of the same record playing… the same songs being sung… the same tracks skipping…

At the same time there are certain people that I am immediately and strongly drawn to… it’s something that I don’t understand… it’s something that confuses me and scares me because I am so open with these people… and that is so very contrary to who I usually am.  This is not a symphony that everyone is meant to hear… but these people that I find myself strongly drawn to not only hear the music… they listen to every detail… every part… and I let them.

I’m afraid of ending out heartbroken from letting the wrong person in… coming to rely on someone and then finding that they are no longer there… and then I’m wrecked… and all alone.  I don’t know how to deal with that.  How do I make myself vulnerable but still protect myself?  Is that even possible?  I’m afraid it’s not… but, at the same time, I’m afraid I have no choice but to make myself vulnerable and then be wrecked… become a shattered record.  Perhaps it is time that I learn to pick up the pieces…