In Theory this is Easy...

I’ve been to about a dozen therapists since I was little… it was the same process every time: come in, sit down, be asked some questions, be told it’s not that bad, be told what to do… repeat as necessary.  They all made it seem like life is so easy and I was just getting it wrong… If I’d only do what they were telling me to do it would all be alright…

But that’s not how this works… Life is hard… I’m twenty-six years old and I’m trying to unpack/analyze/dissect my problems… consider where I went wrong… consider why these things have happened to me… consider why I have these issues… come to some sort of conclusion… fix something.  But it’s not actually as easy as they always told me it was… I can’t just list out all of my problems and solve them one by one… Believe me… I’ve tried.

So let’s start with a basic one… something that in “theory” will be easier: I have a food-based germ phobia.  Under most circumstances I cannot eat or drink something after someone else has consumed from it… the thought of it freaks me out.  I don’t know why this is or when it started.  I’ve tried to pinpoint an exact moment but I can’t… It was just there one day.  And it is only food based… everything else… I’m fine.

If I’m totally comfortable with a person I can sometimes eat from the same plate or drink from the same glass as them.  I guess this ties to my trust issues somehow… I “trust” that they don’t have germs?  That can’t be it… it makes no sense… I want to say I don’t think about it but I’ve forced myself on occasion to just do it… take that bite, take that sip… and that involves conscious thought on my end.  Sometimes though… yeah… I guess I don’t think about it.  I’m so comfortable… my mind relaxes… I let it go…

Those times that I force myself though… Am I trying to force myself to be “normal”?  Is that right?  Is that even okay?  And why is it that I don’t freak out after?  But other times I totally will…

Could this just be a compulsive behavior?  Something I do as a subconscious reaction to something… Shit.  Yeah, I think this makes sense… I become nervous… but I don’t say anything… I feel as if I can’t… I am usually around people that I don’t feel 100% comfortable talking around… so the nervousness builds… my mind translates that onto something else: germs.

So this is… This is a behavior?