These Walls Can Build a Castle

This kingdom has a moat… with many crocodiles revolving through its waters… predators lying in wait for their prey.  There is a way across… a draw bridge… hardly lowered.  This stone fortress holds secrets that must be protected… Its towers contain well trained archers… its gateway is prepared to crush the most unsuspecting of men.  This is a place that most dare not try to enter… the risk (seemingly) outweighs the reward… you do not get gold at the end of this journey… you just get… me.

I’m not perfect, by any means.  In fact, I consider myself to be a greatly flawed individual.  That’s part of what makes me human, though… having flaws.  And admitting to them is what makes me decent.

I don’t find trusting people to be easy.  In fact, I try to avoid it… this is a behavior that I have learned after years of being lied to… years of being let down… disappointed…  This is a pattern that repeats itself… it is rarely broken because most people are the same… Most people are sheep.  My saying this might seem unfair… I do not know everyone… but this isn’t something that I have no evidence for… this is twenty-six years of the same record playing… the same songs being sung… the same tracks skipping…

At the same time there are certain people that I am immediately and strongly drawn to… it’s something that I don’t understand… it’s something that confuses me and scares me because I am so open with these people… and that is so very contrary to who I usually am.  This is not a symphony that everyone is meant to hear… but these people that I find myself strongly drawn to not only hear the music… they listen to every detail… every part… and I let them.

I’m afraid of ending out heartbroken from letting the wrong person in… coming to rely on someone and then finding that they are no longer there… and then I’m wrecked… and all alone.  I don’t know how to deal with that.  How do I make myself vulnerable but still protect myself?  Is that even possible?  I’m afraid it’s not… but, at the same time, I’m afraid I have no choice but to make myself vulnerable and then be wrecked… become a shattered record.  Perhaps it is time that I learn to pick up the pieces…