Evening the Odds (equal equations)

I may not be religious but there is one Bible verse that I’ve always kind of enjoyed… Most of us are taught one form or another of it as a child.  Luke 6:31, which reads something like: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”  This extends into many areas of my life… and I take it seriously at every turn…

I am honest, occasionally to a fault, because I expect honesty of other people… and how am I to expect something of other’s that I am not willing to give myself?  At the same time, I am not totally naïve… I realize that not many people actually share my belief and will lie to me even if I am honest with them… Does this mean that I should forsake my own “vow of honesty” simply because others choose not to be honest?  I feel not.

I don’t consider myself to be better than anyone… I try really hard to make sure no one feels inferior when around me (because of me)… and, generally, feel really terrible if I find out that I accidentally made them feel that way… I prefer to think of myself as having more of an equal footing with those around me… I am no better.  I am no worse.  Again, I am not naïve… I realize that not everyone else shares this view… but I don’t speak up if I feel someone is tearing someone else down… Why?  Partly because I rationalize that it is not my place to do so… partly because I often worry that I am being over sensitive…

Some other things… I try to avoid throwing punches… causing physical altercations… fisticuffs, if you will… because I do not think violence is actually the answer to anything.  I also avoid screaming at people… even when I am extremely angry… first, because I do not like the way that I feel when I scream… and second, because I do not like scaring other people… or making them cry… and these are both things that happen when I scream at people.

I feel that all of these things are reasonable and are part of what makes me a decent human being… they are my “good” that outweighs the “bad,” in a sense…

These Walls Can Build a Castle

This kingdom has a moat… with many crocodiles revolving through its waters… predators lying in wait for their prey.  There is a way across… a draw bridge… hardly lowered.  This stone fortress holds secrets that must be protected… Its towers contain well trained archers… its gateway is prepared to crush the most unsuspecting of men.  This is a place that most dare not try to enter… the risk (seemingly) outweighs the reward… you do not get gold at the end of this journey… you just get… me.

I’m not perfect, by any means.  In fact, I consider myself to be a greatly flawed individual.  That’s part of what makes me human, though… having flaws.  And admitting to them is what makes me decent.

I don’t find trusting people to be easy.  In fact, I try to avoid it… this is a behavior that I have learned after years of being lied to… years of being let down… disappointed…  This is a pattern that repeats itself… it is rarely broken because most people are the same… Most people are sheep.  My saying this might seem unfair… I do not know everyone… but this isn’t something that I have no evidence for… this is twenty-six years of the same record playing… the same songs being sung… the same tracks skipping…

At the same time there are certain people that I am immediately and strongly drawn to… it’s something that I don’t understand… it’s something that confuses me and scares me because I am so open with these people… and that is so very contrary to who I usually am.  This is not a symphony that everyone is meant to hear… but these people that I find myself strongly drawn to not only hear the music… they listen to every detail… every part… and I let them.

I’m afraid of ending out heartbroken from letting the wrong person in… coming to rely on someone and then finding that they are no longer there… and then I’m wrecked… and all alone.  I don’t know how to deal with that.  How do I make myself vulnerable but still protect myself?  Is that even possible?  I’m afraid it’s not… but, at the same time, I’m afraid I have no choice but to make myself vulnerable and then be wrecked… become a shattered record.  Perhaps it is time that I learn to pick up the pieces…